It’s been awhile since I showcased outrageous online dating profiles. But it’s Halloween and I’m feeling inspired.
So, in honor of all things terrifying, I scanned a few random dating profiles and picked a few worth sharing.
For your entertainment, here are some of the craziest, scariest and most insane profiles I’ve had the giddy, guilty pleasure of reading.The bold headings are from yours truly (I couldn’t help but add my commentary). The excerpts are in italics. Oh and don’t read these alone. Here goes:
Ooookay, well, so much for love thy neighbour.
O.K ladies – and I call you all that losely – I am tired of the endless emails. I seriously have my doubts what people are after on this site and what is this Walmart of dating mentality….Sale on isle 5. So sick of attitude too.
Can’t people be @@(&$!! Real, yes reall!! I am a christian man and live the life. Time you did too.
No “Dracula chics”? What does that even mean?
well . I am back …..still looking unfortunately. My last girlfriend was a liar so don’t even bother hitting me up if you lie or want money (she paid for f all). I like all kinds of movie, horror is my favorite but not in real life so no dracula chics for me. I’ll give you my sweat and tears but off you go if you’re out for blood. I’ll give you my heart too if you’re an angel.
Maybe he could teach her to count too.
First, I don’t do 3sums been there, done that and it always ends up like I’m non-existing. Also, no pervs, no pervs, pervs. I want serious only. I won’t sleep with you after one coffee. Forget that. Also, I don’t want is a guy who only talks about him. Second, I don’t want a married guy. Be divorced and not separated and don’t say you’re single if youre not. Now here’s what I do want: serious, smart guy with good heart who can make me laugh.
She wants a man who’s nice to others. How sweet.
Dear men, before you contact me read this: 1) Don’t be old 2) don’t be married 3) don’t be poor 4) don’t be stupid 5) don’t be fat and lastly, 6) don’t be rude just because I make my needs or “not needs” perfectly clear. If you’re not scared away yet then read on. Contact me if 1) you are not living at home with your Mom 2) you’re out of grade school 3) you’re nice to others 4) you know the difference between athletic and eats fast food all day long 5) you have a real job (no newspaper delivery boys, actors or waiters).
And my all-time favorite “way to get the girl” dating profile:
This is what I (and a few friends) have learned after spending time on dating sites
What women really mean…
40ish————————————49+
50ish————————————more like 60
Adventurous—————————sleeps with everyone
Athletic———————————no boobs and think they can kick your butt
Average looking———————–not good looking
Beautiful——————————–pathological liar
Contagious smile———————-takes “happy” pills
Emotionally secure——————–on medication
Financially secure———————–I have a great job but you’re still paying
Free spirit——————————-junkie
Friendship first————————-formerly “adventurous”
Fun—————————————annoying
Harley girl——————————a different kind of “ride”
I have one (re: job)———————-I hate my job
I have one (re: job)———————I don’t make enough money
Life is great—————————-life sucks
Love to travel—————————- I obviously don’t have a man
Must love dogs/animals—————— I have replaced men with pets
New age———————————lots of body hair
Nice guys—————————-men good for a dinner or two
No baggage————————— lots of issues but I’m in therapy
No games—————————-I’m a player
Open minded—————————desperate
Passionate——————————-sloppy drunk
Outgoing——————————–loud and will probably embarrass you
Professional—————————–a biatch
Voluptuous—————————— heavy
Large frame—————————– see voluptuous
Wants soul mate———————— will stalk you
Recent photos————————— old photos
Friends talked me into this————– I need to blame someone for being here
I’m new here————————-apparently 6-10 months is still considered “new”
Just testing the water—————- hope no one notices I have been on here before
Liberated————————– I have a job but you’re still paying
I like you—————————-I’ll put you in the queue but not sure when I’ll get to you
No response to a compliment————-Too many fish in the queue
Short, cryptic responses—————Minimal effort to keep a fish hooked
I really like you——————-You’re in the queue and I’ll get to you sooner rather than later
We have so much in common————–Please wait while I check out these other fish
We should meet————————The other fish didn’t work out… your turn
***PLEASE NOTE: Before sending me any more nasty messages, keep in mind this list does not represent one person’s experiences nor one person’s viewpoint. The first part was assembled during a very interesting with other guys.
On a less scary note
Most people dating online are normal and quite lovely. So, take heart, not all dating profiles are this outrageous.
In fact, most dating profiles are average. Instead they need to stand out – but for the right reasons. There’s where my skills can help. I use marketing techniques to make your profile positive and persuasive, I also use your words and anecdotes so that the profile genuinely sounds like you.
Check out my online dating profile samples and see for yourself. Better yet, get started by completing the personality questionnaire and then submit your answers to me. You’ll be amazed at what I can do with them.
