Here’s what to do when guys online dating just want in a roll in the hay.
The other day I was chatting with a single woman who had abruptly pulled her online dating profile off okCupid. She’s vowed never again to go online dating.
In her experience, the men were rude and inappropriate. Most had sent sexually explicit messages. Others, while less indecent, still made clear that all they wanted was sex.
Frustrated, she blurted, “Is it me or are men online dating just total pigs?”
She then went on to say that she makes very clear in her profile she doesn’t want one-night stands or hook ups. She said that she even begins her profile with that condition clearly stated in caps.
Her rant over, I finally had the chance to answer her very important question: Is it her or is it the men? I know there are a lot of men online dating who can be lewd, rude and annoying. I don’t deny this and there’s no excuse for it.
However, I also think it could be her – at least, to a degree (again, no excuse for jerks).
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again: setting up conditions like “no one-night stands, hookups or pervs” DOES NOT WORK. This approach can backfire so badly that you end up creating the very experience you don’t want. Here’s why:
- It’s akin to asking a guy – with no respect for women – to have respect for a woman’s wishes. This isn’t logical.
- From a male’s perspective, the fact that you have to include “no one night stands, hookups or pervs)” implies that a lot of men find you trashy (not fair, I know)
- Because of reason number 2, decent guys can be turned off
- Because of reason number 2, more trashy guys will be turned on
- Because you’re trashy and hard to get, then you’re goading the bad guys by being a hot challenge.
Rather than get upset, frustrated and insulted enough that you inadvertently make matters worse – change strategies. If you’re online dating and most of the messages you’re getting from guys are inappropriate – then ask yourself what you might be doing wrong.
Should you change your profile copy? Is it too negative or angry?
If your dating profile begins by addressing bad guys then is it attracting bad guys in return? Think about it – if the first words on your profile are sending a message to creeps then they’re the ones who’ll stick around to read it.
If you want to make clear that you’re looking for a real partner for the long-term then say that right off the top. “Looking for long-term” is the flip side of “no hook ups”, but it’s positive. It also gives your profile a chance to attract, and keep the attention of, decent guys.
In terms of priorities, it’s not always about turning off the wrong guys, it’s about ensuring you don’t turn off the right ones.
I address this and other online profile writing mistakes in this interview on Breakfast TV. It’s a good clip to watch because I go into the explanations further.
Should you change your profile picture? Is it too provocative or cheap?
If you get lewd messages from guys who clearly didn’t read your profile, then take a closer look at what message your photo is sending. If they stop at the photo then that could be where the problem is. Take a critical eye at your online profile presence and ask yourself this:
Are you dressed too provocatively for a site full of strangers?
Did you upload your photo properly or is the thumbnail focused one the wrong area of your body?
Does the quality of your photo look cheap thus making you look cheap too?
Read “What your online dating profile says about you“ for more insights.
The question shouldn’t be “why men”, it should be…
What can I do to improve my experience in online dating? The answer – if you’re attracting dirt then clean up your online dating profile.
Your mistakes and choices are the only ones within your control, so you may as well leverage them. Consider revising the “no hook ups” approach on your dating profile and be wary of the mixed messages your photos can send. Above all, remember to have a sense of humor.
If you want professional marketing help with your online dating profile, consider trying one of my three online dating profile writing services.