I read an online dating advice column today where a widow of three years wrote in to say that online dating wasn’t working for her. She explained that she’d been out on several dates with men with whom she connected with. However, they didn’t connect with her.
To my surprise, the advice columnist suggested that she stop online dating because she might find better luck meeting people in person at classes or activity clubs.
The widow was having success online dating. She went offline and met several men who interested her. The problem wasn’t online, it was offline – and that’s what should have been investigated. That’s the area that needed to be resolved versus sending her into more situations where, clearly, she was challenged.
Before you find a solution, find the problem.
Had she come to me for advice, I’d have asked her if perhaps she’s still grieving and trying too hard to fill the emptiness. My mother was a medical social worker for cancer patients. She was well-versed in the stages of grief. Still, after my Dad died, she said she was surprised that it took her a full five years to truly feel herself again. But why wouldn’t it? She had created an entire life with this man and suddenly she not only mourned his loss, but the loss of the life she knew.
All to say that three years is not a long time and this woman might still be grieving. She might be trying to fill the gap so eagerly that the men who were initially attracted, might have been turned off by neediness.
Another possibility is that she chose men who, ultimately, would not be emotionally available because maybe she’s not truly ready. Sometimes we might think that we’d love to meet someone amazing, but our actions say otherwise.
So, before you decide that online dating is the problem, look at all the factors including your choices, patterns and feelings. It may well be that online dating isn’t working in your favor. It could also be that you aren’t.
How to better your chances for finding love online.
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